Category: Commentary

Best on Earth!

 “I don’t believe in bottled salad dressing…why should you have it bottled?  It’s so easy to make.  And they never use very good oil.”

Julia Child

 Ranch dressing is uniquely American.  In a 2017 poll to determine our favorite salad dressing (sponsored by the Association for Dressing and Sauces) it received 40% of the vote nationwide (followed by Italian in second place with just 10%).  Since 1992 ranch dressing has been the best-selling salad dressing in the United States.  Ranch is good stuff.  And if you enjoy ranch dressing as much as I do, then this column is for you.
 In search of healthy salad dressing options, hoping to avoid unhealthy seed oils, I recently fell down the rabbit hole of online food tutorials.  What I discovered is thrilling – healthy homemade ranch dressing that is unbelievably good!  This may be the best ranch dressing on planet Earth!
 Ranch dressing has an interesting history.  In Texas, recipes for buttermilk dressing date back to the 1930s.  It is believed that since buttermilk was more available than vegetable oils out on ranches, it became a popular base and ranch dressing was born.  However, a cowboy from Nebraska named Steve Henson is credited with creating ranch dressing in 1949.
 While working as a contract plumber in Alaska and cooking for his coworkers, Mr. Henson perfected his buttermilk dressing recipe.  In 1954 he and his wife bought a ranch near Santa Barbara, California.  They called their new home Hidden Valley Ranch and began serving their buttermilk dressing to guests.  Their dressing was so popular they were soon selling it to ranch visitors and local supermarkets.  In 1972 the couple sold their name and recipe to Clorox (yes, the bleach people) for $8 million and retired.  Today ranch dressing is popular not only for salads, but it is a favorite for dipping everything from French fries to pizza and more.  As Americans, we love ranch dressing.
 For the health conscious, the only problem with commercial ranch dressing is that it is made using harmful seed oils.  Ranch dressing that you buy in the store is made with Soybean and/ or Canola oil (both are toxic seed oils linked to cancer, heart disease, and more – do your own research on this).  Along with seed oils, store-bought ranch is full of chemical preservatives.  The good news is that you can easily and quickly make your own homemade ranch dressing that is free from bad seed oils and harmful preservatives.  Your family will love this stuff.
 Health concerns aside, perhaps the best reason for making your own homemade ranch dressing is because of the amazing taste difference.  Your homemade dressing will taste a hundred times better than anything you buy.  The primary reason for this I believe is simply that you can make it fresh.  Like freshly baked bread, fresh roasted coffee, or garden tomatoes fresh out of the sun, fresh tastes better.  Your freshly made dressing will delight and amaze your family and friends.  Here is the recipe that I have been using.  Note – you can add to or alter this recipe in any way.  Consider this a basic recipe and adjust as you like.

Ingredients needed:
*1 cup mayonnaise (I use mayo made with avocado oil – Primal Kitchen brand is best tasting and has no bad seed oils – regular mayo is made with soybean or canola oil – read labels).
*1/2 cup buttermilk (amount may vary – add this last and make dressing as thick or thin as you like).
*1/2 cup sour cream (I like the Daisy brand – pure and natural with no additives).
*2 tsp. lemon juice (fresh)
*2 tsp. dried parsley
*1 tsp. dried chives
*1 tsp. dried dill
*1/2 tsp. garlic powder
*1/2 tsp. onion powder
*1/2 tsp. sea salt
*1/4 tsp. black pepper
*optional – Worcestershire sauce

(few dashes – try with/without)

 Whisk all ingredients in a large bowl.  As I mentioned before, it is best to add buttermilk last to make dressing as thick or thin as you like.  Dressing can be used immediately, or chill in fridge for 3-4 hours (keep refrigerated).
 Now enjoy your homemade ranch dressing.  Bon Appétit!

© 2024 Jody Dyer
typewriterweekly.com

 “You’re going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river!”   

Matt Foley
Motivational Speaker

 For fans of the classic comedy Saturday Night Live, Chris Farley’s portrayal of motivational speaker Matt Foley is one of the funniest skits ever broadcast in North America.  In frequent reminders of his current living conditions (he’s “living in a van down by the river!”), Matt references eating government cheese.  Believe it or not, there is a story here, a strange story.
 It all begins in 1977 with President Jimmy Carter.  Along with the energy crisis in the 1970s which tanked the economy, Americans were slammed with a national dairy shortage.  This resulted in 30% inflation on milk and other dairy products.  The government decided to intervene.  President Carter instituted a subsidy policy that pumped $2 billion into the dairy industry over a four-year-period.  This allowed dairy farmers to ramp up milk production without risk, knowing the government would purchase all their surplus milk.
 By the early 1980s we had gone from having too little milk to having too much milk.  Since cheese has a longer shelf life than other dairy products, the solution was obvious.  The USDA began buying and processing surplus milk and turning it into blocks of cheese.  It has been estimated that at this time the government owned over 500 million pounds of cheese.  Long the topic of secrecy and speculation (kind of like a Foodie version of Area 51), this surplus cheese is believed to have been stored in various caves and underground facilities in the state of Missouri.  More on that in a minute.
 In 1981, the government had so much cheese in storage, they considered dumping it in the ocean.  But then President Ronald Reagan had a better idea.  In December of that year, he announced a plan to give it away.  Reagan created the Temporary Emergency Food Assistance Program (TEFAP), ultimately distributing over 30 million pounds of cheese to low-income families and the elderly.  Many people who grew up in the ‘80s remember receiving government cheese.  It was given away for free at food banks, community centers, churches, and other facilities throughout the country.  Government cheese became a totem of American culture that continues to this day.  A few years ago, Snoop Dog even taught Martha Stewart how to cook with it on their TV show.
 Many businesses and companies also benefited from this surplus cheese.  With massive supplies still in storage, the government launched a cheese push into the corporate world.  This wave of cheese was the catalyst for offerings such as Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites Pizza, Domino’s Seven-Cheese Pizza, Burger King’s Chessy Angus Bacon Cheeseburger, and Taco Bell’s Quesalupa.  As the cheese surplus finally began to dwindle, the government was able to relax price supports.  
 This government cheese episode did herald a lasting change in our eating habits, however.  In 1970, the average per capita consumption of cheese in this country was less than 10 pounds per year.  Today, the average American consumes approximately 40 pounds each year. That is a fourfold increase.  Some would say this is a good thing.  You be the judge.
 Now about those cheese caves, here is what we know.  One facility is the Hunt Midwest SubTropolis in Kansas City.  It is located 150 feet below ground and is used to store not only cheese, but coffee and other goods as well.  It is believed that significant stores of government cheese can be found here.  Deep in the Ozarks and farther south is the cheese cave, known as the Springfield Underground.  It is an underground warehouse (3.2 million-square-feet in size) which opened as a limestone quarry in 1946.  The U.S. government insists that they have nothing stored there now.  The Springfield Underground is currently used by private enterprises, including the Kraft Heinz Company and Dairy Farmers of America.  Cheese as well as other products are stored here.  
 Rumor has it that there may be more of these cheese caves hundreds of feet below ground in Missouri.  These converted limestone mines can keep products perfectly at 36 degrees Fahrenheit.  Some sources claim that the government continued buying cheese and still has an estimated 1.4 billion pounds squirreled away in various caves underground.  We just don’t know for sure.  And our government seems pretty tight-lipped about it.
 This makes me want to go make a plate of nachos right now.  I like cheese!       

© 2024 Jody Dyer
typewriterweekly.com

 “Mosquitoes are like family:  they’re annoying, but they carry your blood.”

Anonymous

 Bugs can be a problem.  Mosquitoes, ticks, black flies, buffalo gnats, and more, will attack you outdoors at every opportunity.  Commercial bug repellent can also be a problem.  Anything that you put on your skin is quickly absorbed into your bloodstream, so toxic chemicals in bug sprays can work their way into your body causing disease.  I think they also make your ear hair grow.
 Spending time outdoors this summer, and year-round, I have been considering this problem.  Bugs like me.  Maybe I have sweet blood.  I am bald, so that doesn’t help.  There are probably few things more attractive to insects in the wild than a big-headed bald man trapsing through their territory.  This year alone, I have lost count of the ticks extracted from my body (often plucked from my sensitive nether regions).  
 So, what is a person to do?  If you are unable to function outdoors without biting bugs making your life miserable, and applying toxic chemical repellent on your delicate skin is potentially dangerous, are there any other options?  Yes, there is – homemade natural bug spray.  For us flea bitten, tick infested, mosquito attracting, health- conscious humans there is help.  You really can make your own safe, effective, and economical bug spray at home.
 Perhaps the simplest recipe for homemade bug spray is made using pure vanilla.  For this to work, you must use pure vanilla extract.  Do not use imitation vanilla flavoring.  You can use vanilla to fight bugs two ways.  The first option is to apply vanilla directly to your skin, undiluted.  Full-strength vanilla applied to your hide will last longer, so this may be your best option if you will be romping outdoors for an extended period of time.  Simply apply with a cotton ball or smear on with your bare hands.  The second option is to mix with water in a spray bottle, making your concoction easier to apply.  This vanilla water spray will dissipate quickly, so you will need to re-apply every 30 minutes or so, but it does really work.  Some folks mix in small easily carried spray bottles for convenience.  You can also mix vanilla with coconut oil or any other carrier oil, so spray lasts longer on your skin.  Ballpark recipe for spray is approx. 25-30% vanilla to 70-75% water.  The stronger you make it however, the better it works.  Note – do not use vanilla bug spray on your dog – vanilla is toxic to dogs even in small doses because of its alcohol  content.  
 Natural bug spray can also be made using essential oils.  Here you can really experiment to find what you like best.  Do some research.  It seems there is no end to Canadian homeschool moms sharing their recipes online.  Bugs must be really bad in Canada (thank you moms!).
 Essential oils often used for their bug repellent properties are peppermint, lavender, lemon eucalyptus, geranium, rosemary, cedar, bergamot, clove, citronella, and tea tree oil.  Mix these oils with water, witch hazel, or rubbing alcohol.  Some folks add almond, coconut, or olive oil along with glycerin and a splash of vodka.  Use what you like.  All of these oils seem to repel bugs.  
 Here’s another tip.  If you would like a natural and safe bug spray for your yard, try this recipe (it is safe for your plants and garden).  Ingredients needed are beer (use cheap beer and make it stale – open cans, pour into a bowl and let sit for 24 hours), blue mint flavored mouthwash (needs to be blue – use the cheapest Dollar Store mouthwash you can find), and Epsom salt.  Mix 3 cans beer, 16 oz. blue mouthwash, and 3 cups Epsom salt and apply with a small sprayer.  Spray the perimeter of your yard to keep bugs at bay.  Reapply as needed.  
 If you are not a do-it-yourself person and would prefer to purchase your healthy bug defense products over the counter, there are many on the market now.  One that I have used and would recommend is Wondercide (wondercide.com).  They sell a pre-mixed and ready to use non-toxic spray (good on your body, your pets, and in the yard) that kills and repels fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, ants, roaches, spiders, and flies.  I have used this when out on the ranch, spraying it on my head and in my beard and all over my body.  It will keep the ticks out of your shorts (I just keep forgetting to spray it there).  The primary ingredient in Wondercide is cedar oil.  Bugs of every stripe hate this stuff. And it is non-toxic.  You can even pour it on your cereal in the morning.
 Hope this helps you fight off the bugs.  Now go outside and have some fun…bug free!    

© 2024 Jody Dyer
typewriterweekly.com