Category: Commentary

 “You’re going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river!”   

Matt Foley
Motivational Speaker

 For fans of the classic comedy Saturday Night Live, Chris Farley’s portrayal of motivational speaker Matt Foley is one of the funniest skits ever broadcast in North America.  In frequent reminders of his current living conditions (he’s “living in a van down by the river!”), Matt references eating government cheese.  Believe it or not, there is a story here, a strange story.
 It all begins in 1977 with President Jimmy Carter.  Along with the energy crisis in the 1970s which tanked the economy, Americans were slammed with a national dairy shortage.  This resulted in 30% inflation on milk and other dairy products.  The government decided to intervene.  President Carter instituted a subsidy policy that pumped $2 billion into the dairy industry over a four-year-period.  This allowed dairy farmers to ramp up milk production without risk, knowing the government would purchase all their surplus milk.
 By the early 1980s we had gone from having too little milk to having too much milk.  Since cheese has a longer shelf life than other dairy products, the solution was obvious.  The USDA began buying and processing surplus milk and turning it into blocks of cheese.  It has been estimated that at this time the government owned over 500 million pounds of cheese.  Long the topic of secrecy and speculation (kind of like a Foodie version of Area 51), this surplus cheese is believed to have been stored in various caves and underground facilities in the state of Missouri.  More on that in a minute.
 In 1981, the government had so much cheese in storage, they considered dumping it in the ocean.  But then President Ronald Reagan had a better idea.  In December of that year, he announced a plan to give it away.  Reagan created the Temporary Emergency Food Assistance Program (TEFAP), ultimately distributing over 30 million pounds of cheese to low-income families and the elderly.  Many people who grew up in the ‘80s remember receiving government cheese.  It was given away for free at food banks, community centers, churches, and other facilities throughout the country.  Government cheese became a totem of American culture that continues to this day.  A few years ago, Snoop Dog even taught Martha Stewart how to cook with it on their TV show.
 Many businesses and companies also benefited from this surplus cheese.  With massive supplies still in storage, the government launched a cheese push into the corporate world.  This wave of cheese was the catalyst for offerings such as Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites Pizza, Domino’s Seven-Cheese Pizza, Burger King’s Chessy Angus Bacon Cheeseburger, and Taco Bell’s Quesalupa.  As the cheese surplus finally began to dwindle, the government was able to relax price supports.  
 This government cheese episode did herald a lasting change in our eating habits, however.  In 1970, the average per capita consumption of cheese in this country was less than 10 pounds per year.  Today, the average American consumes approximately 40 pounds each year. That is a fourfold increase.  Some would say this is a good thing.  You be the judge.
 Now about those cheese caves, here is what we know.  One facility is the Hunt Midwest SubTropolis in Kansas City.  It is located 150 feet below ground and is used to store not only cheese, but coffee and other goods as well.  It is believed that significant stores of government cheese can be found here.  Deep in the Ozarks and farther south is the cheese cave, known as the Springfield Underground.  It is an underground warehouse (3.2 million-square-feet in size) which opened as a limestone quarry in 1946.  The U.S. government insists that they have nothing stored there now.  The Springfield Underground is currently used by private enterprises, including the Kraft Heinz Company and Dairy Farmers of America.  Cheese as well as other products are stored here.  
 Rumor has it that there may be more of these cheese caves hundreds of feet below ground in Missouri.  These converted limestone mines can keep products perfectly at 36 degrees Fahrenheit.  Some sources claim that the government continued buying cheese and still has an estimated 1.4 billion pounds squirreled away in various caves underground.  We just don’t know for sure.  And our government seems pretty tight-lipped about it.
 This makes me want to go make a plate of nachos right now.  I like cheese!       

© 2024 Jody Dyer
typewriterweekly.com

 “Mosquitoes are like family:  they’re annoying, but they carry your blood.”

Anonymous

 Bugs can be a problem.  Mosquitoes, ticks, black flies, buffalo gnats, and more, will attack you outdoors at every opportunity.  Commercial bug repellent can also be a problem.  Anything that you put on your skin is quickly absorbed into your bloodstream, so toxic chemicals in bug sprays can work their way into your body causing disease.  I think they also make your ear hair grow.
 Spending time outdoors this summer, and year-round, I have been considering this problem.  Bugs like me.  Maybe I have sweet blood.  I am bald, so that doesn’t help.  There are probably few things more attractive to insects in the wild than a big-headed bald man trapsing through their territory.  This year alone, I have lost count of the ticks extracted from my body (often plucked from my sensitive nether regions).  
 So, what is a person to do?  If you are unable to function outdoors without biting bugs making your life miserable, and applying toxic chemical repellent on your delicate skin is potentially dangerous, are there any other options?  Yes, there is – homemade natural bug spray.  For us flea bitten, tick infested, mosquito attracting, health- conscious humans there is help.  You really can make your own safe, effective, and economical bug spray at home.
 Perhaps the simplest recipe for homemade bug spray is made using pure vanilla.  For this to work, you must use pure vanilla extract.  Do not use imitation vanilla flavoring.  You can use vanilla to fight bugs two ways.  The first option is to apply vanilla directly to your skin, undiluted.  Full-strength vanilla applied to your hide will last longer, so this may be your best option if you will be romping outdoors for an extended period of time.  Simply apply with a cotton ball or smear on with your bare hands.  The second option is to mix with water in a spray bottle, making your concoction easier to apply.  This vanilla water spray will dissipate quickly, so you will need to re-apply every 30 minutes or so, but it does really work.  Some folks mix in small easily carried spray bottles for convenience.  You can also mix vanilla with coconut oil or any other carrier oil, so spray lasts longer on your skin.  Ballpark recipe for spray is approx. 25-30% vanilla to 70-75% water.  The stronger you make it however, the better it works.  Note – do not use vanilla bug spray on your dog – vanilla is toxic to dogs even in small doses because of its alcohol  content.  
 Natural bug spray can also be made using essential oils.  Here you can really experiment to find what you like best.  Do some research.  It seems there is no end to Canadian homeschool moms sharing their recipes online.  Bugs must be really bad in Canada (thank you moms!).
 Essential oils often used for their bug repellent properties are peppermint, lavender, lemon eucalyptus, geranium, rosemary, cedar, bergamot, clove, citronella, and tea tree oil.  Mix these oils with water, witch hazel, or rubbing alcohol.  Some folks add almond, coconut, or olive oil along with glycerin and a splash of vodka.  Use what you like.  All of these oils seem to repel bugs.  
 Here’s another tip.  If you would like a natural and safe bug spray for your yard, try this recipe (it is safe for your plants and garden).  Ingredients needed are beer (use cheap beer and make it stale – open cans, pour into a bowl and let sit for 24 hours), blue mint flavored mouthwash (needs to be blue – use the cheapest Dollar Store mouthwash you can find), and Epsom salt.  Mix 3 cans beer, 16 oz. blue mouthwash, and 3 cups Epsom salt and apply with a small sprayer.  Spray the perimeter of your yard to keep bugs at bay.  Reapply as needed.  
 If you are not a do-it-yourself person and would prefer to purchase your healthy bug defense products over the counter, there are many on the market now.  One that I have used and would recommend is Wondercide (wondercide.com).  They sell a pre-mixed and ready to use non-toxic spray (good on your body, your pets, and in the yard) that kills and repels fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, ants, roaches, spiders, and flies.  I have used this when out on the ranch, spraying it on my head and in my beard and all over my body.  It will keep the ticks out of your shorts (I just keep forgetting to spray it there).  The primary ingredient in Wondercide is cedar oil.  Bugs of every stripe hate this stuff. And it is non-toxic.  You can even pour it on your cereal in the morning.
 Hope this helps you fight off the bugs.  Now go outside and have some fun…bug free!    

© 2024 Jody Dyer
typewriterweekly.com

America’s Best Sport

 “Baseball is like church.  Many attend, few understand.”

Leo Durocher

 I believe that baseball is the best game ever invented.  No other sport compares to it, really.  It is like poetry played out on brown dirt and green grass.  Baseball is part of our character, culture, and history - America’s best sport.
 Abner Doubleday is credited with developing the game we know as baseball in Cooperstown, New York, in the summer of 1839.  Some dispute this story, however.  References to games resembling baseball in the United States date back to the 18th century.  Baseball’s direct ancestors appear to be the English games of cricket and rounders.  Prior to the American Revolution, variations of these games were being played in schoolyards and on college campuses across the country.
 In September of 1845, a group of men in New York City founded the Knickerbocker Baseball Club.  One of the members - bank clerk and volunteer firefighter - Alexander Joy Cartwright, created a set of rules that would form the basis for modern baseball.  These included the three-strike rule, a diamond-shaped field, and fowl lines.  The Knickerbockers played the first official game of baseball against a team of cricket players in 1846.
 It is said that baseball came of age during the Civil War, with soldiers on both sides participating.  Baseball was the most popular sport for both armies, causing it to spread nationwide after the war.  
 Professional baseball debuted with the Cincinnati Red Stockings in 1869.  In 1876 the National League that we know today was created, followed by the American League in 1901.  Baseball has grown from there.  Once considered our national pastime, baseball has lost ground to football, basketball, hockey, and soccer.  But the game lives on and is still popular today.  Here are some reasons why…
 Even if you don’t like the game itself, baseball is the best sport to watch in person.  You can be outside in the sunshine, enjoy a hot dog and beer, and feel like a true American.  There’s nothing like the sights and sounds of a ball game – the crack of a bat, the pop of a ball in a mitt, strike calls, organ music.  Stadiums are like cathedrals, and when entering the sight of perfectly manicured emerald green grass can take your breath away.  A ball game can be a joy for your senses.
 Baseball provides a relaxed environment for players and fans while at the same time building a sense of tension and drama.  Not being controlled by the clock gives baseball a composed cadence and rhythm.  There is more freedom in the game.  Every pitch and play can make a difference.  
 There are mental benefits to baseball as well.  For players and coaches, it is an analytical, strategy driven, calculated sport requiring long term thought.  The defense has the ball, unusual in sport, and you must know in advance what you are going to do.  It’s like playing 3D chess with cleats on.  For fans, there are mental benefits as well.  Smartphone addicted short attention span humans may not appreciate baseball, thinking it is boring and too slow.  But watching baseball stretches your attention span, just like reading a good book.  In our fast-paced, instant gratification, dopamine filled social media world, baseball fosters patience and a calm demeanor like no other sport.  It builds character.
 Baseball is good training for life because it teaches us to deal with failure (whether you are a player or fan).  Life is filled with constant failure, as is baseball.  The batter who fails 70% of the time (batting .300) is among the very best in the league.  Baseball is especially suited to our American sensibilities because it teaches us how to cope with failure.  In America we have the freedom to fail, and we do.  Baseball shows us how to deal with it.
 Baseball also offers a magical mix between both the singular and plural, the lone hero and the reliable team.  Baseball gracefully incorporates a perfect balance between individual and group effort which is superior to other sports.
 And baseball presents a picture of a real meritocracy, what America aspires to be.  Here luck matters least.  Teams play 162 games over a six- month season (the longest season in any sport).  At the end of each season, each team is its record, with the stats to prove it.  
 There is a charm to baseball that other sports can’t match.  Like Brad Pitt said, playing the character of Billy Beane in the movie Moneyball, “It’s hard not to be romantic about baseball.”

© 2024 Jody Dyer
typewriterweekly.com