“Never go to bed mad. Stay up late and fight.”Phyllis Diller
Marriage and prison are the two easiest places to fight. If you are married, or in prison, you will know this to be true. I’m afraid I can’t help you regarding conflict during incarceration, but I can offer some tips for those locked in matrimony. The key to successfully navigating conflict in marriage is learning how to fight fair.
Marriage is like a job that you work at. Sometimes you have problems. The real danger starts when you have the same last name. If you are not trying to date anymore (when you are typically on your best behavior), the smallest of disagreements can flare into a double-digit married fight in a hurry. Note – there are two types of fights in marriage. There is the disagreement, which is like a planned fight, and the spontaneous fight, which can erupt at any time (who brought home this chocolate milk?!!!). The following useful tips can be applied to both.
First, you want to avoid having things blow up in blistering anger. Any kind of fight is a threat. Our brains can be hijacked when we perceive a threat. This is where the danger lies. When facing a threat, we tend to react emotionally and either fight, flee, or freeze. This happens when our amygdala kicks in and stress producing hormones flood our system causing a physical response. The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped structure in the brain’s temporal lobe that is part of the limbic system. It’s involved in processing emotional input, especially fear.
To override your amygdala, gain control of your emotions, and think clearly during your marital fight, try the following. All of these will seriously help. Take a deep cleansing breath. Do this by breathing in through your nose for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of five, and then exhale through your mouth for a count of eight. Also helpful is relaxing your tongue. Most of the time our tongues are tense and pressed against our teeth or roof of our mouths. Relaxing your tongue will release some of your tension. But perhaps the best way to switch off your amygdala is with the shoulder shrug. When facing a threat (emotional or physical) we tend to tense up and raise our shoulders as adrenaline and cortisol are released in our bodies. You can counter this response and revert to a calm thinking state by raising your shoulders, scrunching them all the way up to your ears, then sticking out your chest and pulling your shoulders back so that your scapula, or shoulder blades, almost touch. Then just relax your shoulders into a slouch. This should turn off your physical fight or flight response, calm your emotions, and allow your brain to take over and think clearly. Once the amygdala is turned off and your prefrontal cortex is back in charge (the prefrontal cortex is the part of your brain that intelligently regulates your thoughts, actions, and emotions), then you can fight fair using the following four rules.
1 – Focus on WHAT you are dealing with, not who. Try to address the situation or problem you have in that moment. Often, we attack our spouse, dredging up issues from the past and using terms like “always” and “never.” Do not do this. Diagnosing your partner will only make things worse and lead to more aggravated conflict. Stick to the specific problem at hand and seek a solution.
2 – Besides anger, try to determine what you are thinking and feeling. Most of the time, your anger will be guarding something. Usually, it is a fear that you have. You might be afraid of criticism, or of being found out, or of losing something. You might be overwhelmed, or sad. Try to look deeper at your own motives and fears. Then be transparent with your spouse. These feelings can help you connect. As you talk things out, avoid simply sharing facts. Shared feelings will enable you to connect with the other person better. Connecting in this way can help you correct the problem.
3 – Be curious and solution focused. Ask questions, be open, and listen like you are wrong. Here is where it is helpful to listen more than you talk. Avoid suggestions, advice, and criticism. Ideally, instead of wrangled compromise, you are looking for a new, better solution that works for both of you (a win-win situation).
4 – Final thought, don’t fight with an audience. Hash things out in private and don’t share with others. Including family and friends when fighting can complicate things and cause more problems in the future.
The above marital advice, reconstituted here for your edification, is courtesy of Dr. Abby Medcalf. You can find her on YouTube, where she offers solid relational advice for humans in need.
© 2024 Jody Dyer
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